"Tis the Season" - 3 Tips For Enjoying the Holidays

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, there is no doubt that the holiday season is in full swing. For some of us, the holidays are a wonderfully joyous time spent with our friends and family. For others, this time of year is filled with great sadness and loneliness. However, for most of us, the holidays fall somewhere between these two extremes. Many of us start the season off with very high hopes and good intentions, only to find that somewhere along the way our hopes get a little deflated and our intentions get a little sidetracked.

Each year as the holidays approach, all sorts of articles appear in magazines and newspapers on "How to Survive the Holidays". Many of the articles are focused on how not to gain weight, how to buy the perfect gift, or how to get along with your in-laws. Although these articles all offer very useful ideas and strategies, I am not sure they actually address the real issues behind why the holidays can be such an emotional rollercoaster ride for us.

I believe there are three things that get into our way of truly enjoying the holiday season. First, we try to do everything for everyone without taking time for ourselves. Second, we try to cram too many events into a short period of time. And third, we lose sight of what the holiday season is all about.

So, here is my version of “How to Survive the Holidays”.

1. Take time for yourself.
Make sure to schedule special time just for you throughout the holiday season. These do not have to be large chunks of time, but they do need to be times that you are alone, doing something that rejuvenates and re-energizes you. It could be a quiet bath, a walk, a massage or going to see a movie – whatever it is that will recharge your battery. I know that it might seem selfish to take time off just for you during such a busy time of the year, but actually it’s being very thoughtful and kind. Just think about how much more pleasant and patient you will be with friends and family when you are not feeling frantic, rushed and exhausted.

2. Schedule Special Things You Want to Do
One of the reasons we get so frantic during the holidays is that we cram too many activities in a short time. All too often we end up saying, “I wish we had done that.” So, this year, make it happen. Sit down with your family and decide on 3 things you really want to do. Make sure that each family member has their voice heard. Try to choose a variety of events and then schedule them to make sure that happen.

3. Give of Yourself
The holidays are about giving, sharing and connecting with people. One of the best ways to rekindle a feeling of connection to people is to give of yourself, and the holidays are full of opportunities to do just that. Find something that really speaks to you and volunteer your time, talent, or treasure. Although it might be easy for you to just write a check to an organization, I suggest doing something that may stretch you a little more in terms of an emotional connection.

Help your local food bank deliver holiday baskets, play Santa Claus at a local children’s hospital, adopt a family, serve a meal at a homeless shelter, or drive an elderly person to church. There are so many opportunities for us to open our hearts and to feel reconnected with people. And it’s when our hearts are open, that we can be touched by the true magic of the season.

The holidays are a special time, and with an extra dose of awareness, intention, and compassion for both ourselves and others, they truly can be an enjoyable time.

The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling will stop or in what far place my touch will be felt. – Frederick Buechner

Why Give Thanks?

Thursday is Thanksgiving, the day traditionally set aside for giving thanks for the bounties of the year’s harvest. The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621. The Pilgrims had survived an especially harsh winter and they honored their survival and their abundant harvest with a three-day celebration of games and feasts, thanking the Indians and the forces of a Higher Power which helped them survive their first winter in America.

Over the years Thanksgiving has transitioned from a day of stopping to give thanks, to a day filled with frenetic holiday shopping and marathon football watching. As with so many of our holidays, some of its original intent has unfortunately been lost.

I’m a Baby Boomer, which means I am old enough to remember when stores were not open on Thanksgiving – when this day was truly a day of hanging out with family. Our family started the day off with a very exuberant game of touch football which was followed by a wonderful and leisurely Thanksgiving dinner where each of us would be asked to share what we were thankful for.

I realize that times change. In fact, my own Thanksgiving looks very different from when I was growing up. Yet, no matter how I am spending the day, I can always hear the voice of my father asking me, “What are you thankful for this year?”

Why do we give thanks? I know this might seem like a silly question, but I realize that my reasons for giving thanks have changed over the years. As a child it was something that I was supposed to do. I was focused on the “what” of being grateful. I could list all the good things that I had received or that had happened to me. As I grew older I began to understand the “why” of giving thanks – the benefits of being grateful.

When we take the time to stop and truly appreciate what we have, a couple of things happen. As we focus on what we are grateful for, we begin to see other things to appreciate and give thanks for. Our focus shifts from seeing problems and roadblocks to seeing openings and opportunities. Our gratitude expands our heart and we feel more connected to people and to the world. Giving thanks allows us to step off our treadmill, even if only for a moment, and realign ourselves with what is truly important to us. It reminds us that everything in this given moment is okay; and that is all we need to know.

I wish you and your family a very happy Thanksgiving; and I hope that wherever you are, you will take a moment to pause and say thanks for all the blessings that you have in your life.

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. – Meister Eckhart

Practice Makes Perfect - What Are You Perfecting?

Practice makes perfect. How many times have you heard that phrase in your life? From the time we were small children trying to learn how to play the piano, throw a baseball, or ride a bicycle we have heard that if we practice long enough and hard enough we will be successful at achieving our goal.

I remember when I was about 5 years old trying to learn how to stand on my head. I would practice for hours until one day, to the horror of my mother, I mastered the feat while she was shopping in very upscale women’s clothing store. When she came out of the dressing room, there I was in the middle of the store standing on my head with dress hanging down, my legs were straight in the air and my Carter’s underwear in plain sight for everyone to see. Although my mother was less than thrilled at my achievement, I had proven to myself that practice actually does pay off.

My success with standing on my head is an example of very conscious and intentional practicing. It is the kind of practice that we put forth when we want to master a specific skill or behavior. We have a goal, we know what the end point to looks like, and we work hard to achieve that objective.

Yet, each of us has a whole other set of skills and behaviors that we have perfected that we may not be totally aware of. These are habits and actions that, through unconscious repetition, have become ingrained in our way of being. For example, one of my habits is to automatically say “no” to new ideas unless they are mine. It is an automatic response that, until recently, I practiced almost daily without being aware I was doing it.

It’s what I call unconscious practicing. I was repeating, thus practicing, a behavior which was making that behavior stronger; yet, there was no real intention on my part to do this. However, through my continuous practicing I got pretty close to perfecting the “no” response which obviously is a very annoying and useless skill to perfect.

What unconscious habits and behaviors are you perfecting? Do you sabotage yourself by procrastinating? Do you keep yourself overly busy in order to avoid issues in your life? Or do you make a lot of great plans and then come up with a thousand reasons why you can’t do any of them?

We all have thoughts and behaviors that sabotage how we truly would like to live our lives. The key is to become aware of what they are so that we can start putting our energy towards dismantling them, not feeding them. Practice, in of itself, will make anything stronger. So, we have to add the component of conscious awareness to ensure that we are focused on perfecting the things in our lives that we want to perfect, instead of perfecting useless and sabotaging behaviors.

Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty. Anne Herbert

Rx For Courage: Do One Scary Thing a Day

Do you know that you have all the courage inside you that you need to tackle any fear or doubt that you might encounter? I know that some of you are probably shaking your heads right now, thinking, “Not me. I don’t have much courage. I am always getting blindsided by fear.” The truth of the matter is that you do have the courage; but because it hasn’t been used very much, it could be a little flabby.

Courage is like a muscle. To be able to use it effectively we need to exercise it on a regular basis. But most of us don’t think about exercising our courage. We only think about courage when we are faced with a large, anxiety-producing task; and then we get upset with ourselves because we don’t have the courage to overcome the fears and doubts that are associated with accomplishing that task.

So, let’s talk for a moment about how you might go about exercising your courage, building it up so that it will be there ready for you to call upon when needed. Building up your courage is like building up muscles. You need to start slowly.

First, you need to familiarize yourself with your courage. Since many people don’t think they do not have any courage, the first thing to do is to get a frame of reference of what being courageous feels like. One way to do that is to take a moment and remember a time when you felt courageous. It could be something small or something big. It could be recent or something that happened a while ago. Maybe it was when you were a little kid and you finally learned to dive. Maybe it was a difficult conversation or a speech you had to make.

Can you remember what made you decide to do it? How did it feel to step into your courage and power, to follow through on something that was important to you? What made you overcome the fear and just do it? Can you remember?

Now that you have a point of reference, you can use that experience as a motivator as you try new things. You’ve done it once, you know what it feels like and you know you have the ability to do it again.

The next step is to do is to actually tap into your courage. Think of something to do that scares you a little. Choose something small. Maybe it’s making a phone call you’ve put off. Maybe it’s asking a favor of someone. Maybe it’s just saying “hi” to a stranger on the street.

The “what” doesn’t matter. What matters is to choose something that gives your stomach a minor case butterflies or that causes the voices in your head to quietly remind you that this isn’t a good thing to do. And then, do it anyway. Each time you break through the wall of fear and doubt, you build up your courage. Eventually the scales will tip and courage will consistently triumph over fear.

But this all takes time, intention and repetition. So, I invite you for the next 30 days to choose one thing a day that pushes your fear limit. One thing that you think you can’t do, shouldn’t do, or don’t want to do because the voices of fear and doubt are telling you that you are not up to the task. Just one thing a day.

After each task you do, take a moment to think about how it felt to do it, what happened to the voices, how you feel now. With each task you are exercising and building your courage. You are becoming more confident and empowered to live your life the way you want to live it; and not the way the voices of fear and doubt want you to live it.

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

Is It Time To Jump Into Your Dreams?

I have talked with several people this week who are feeling stuck in their lives. They can describe what it is they want to do, but they can’t seem to take that first step toward making it happen. It seems like the older we get the more difficult it is for us to jump into our dreams. What is it about leaving the safety of our known world that is so hard for us?

As adults, we have spent many years developing a specific set of skills. Whether we are a lawyer, teacher, accountant, or parent, we have worked hard to gain the expertise needed to succeed in the world; and for the most part, we feel safe and secure in what we do. Our world is a known entity and it is comfortable. Yet, sometimes it's actually having too much of this comfort that creates feelings of restlessness and disinterest in us. It is then that we start looking around for something new to do or try.

We create visions of changing jobs, starting a new hobby, pursuing a life-long dream, etc. We become excited and the possibilities seem endless. Then reality sets in. As appealing as embarking on a new adventure might be, the prospect of being a beginner and stepping into uncharted waters without knowing exactly what will happen stops many of us dead in our tracks.

We find ourselves feeling scared and uncertain and we retreat to the safety of our known world. However, we then may begin to feel discouraged or angry at ourselves for not being able to make the leap, and that just compounds our feelings of uncertainty and frustration. We begin to feel boxed in and we don't see any obvious way out.

So, how does one break out of this vicious circle? One way is to get in touch with the feelings of power and invincibility that you had as a child. Go to a playground or park and watch the children play. Notice how they are always trying to do new and harder things. Notice how they dare each other to go higher and faster. The world is totally full of possibilities to them. They see no boundaries and they have little fear.

Think about all the crazy things you did as a child and all the dreams you had for your life. Get reacquainted with that energy. Then ask yourself, "What is really stopping me now? Where is my fear coming from?" Listen carefully to your answers, and take some time to address the issues that come up. Then think about ways to integrate all the energy, enthusiasm, and passion of your little kid with the resources and skills of your successful adult. This incredible combination will allow you to achieve almost anything.

Remember to start your journey with small steps. Often times we jump into the deep end way too soon and our ultimate fears of not succeeding become a reality. Step off the lowest edge first. Allow yourself time to get used to the new experience. Become aware of your feelings, both the joy and excitement and the fear and the uneasiness associated with being in a new space. Use your support system to encourage and inspire you when you are feeling shaky, and make sure they are there to help you celebrate your successes.

With each step you take you will push your edge further out. Your world will become larger and more exciting. You will have new experiences, meet new people, and learn new things about yourself. The world, which at one time had felt so confining, will now be filled with unlimited possibilities of adventure and opportunity. You will have a renewed sense of passion and enthusiasm for your life. You will be living the life you truly want to live. All you need is just need enough faith in yourself and the process to take that first step. You can do it!

Come to the edge. No, we will fall
Come to the edge. No, we will fall.
They came to the edge. He pushed them, and they flew.
Guillaume Apollinaire